Has it ever happened to you?
Have you ever had the experience of liking a woman, being a perfect
gentleman, and treating her like a queen, only to have her reject you
in favor of someone else (possibly very handsome) who doesn’t treat
her right, or doesn’t seem to care about her much at all? These
kinds of men have been called “bad boys”, “charm boys”,
or “players”. When you are interested in women, do they tend
to see you as a friend or “brother” rather than a romantic
interest? Do women tell you you’re “too nice”? If so,
you are not alone. This article will give you, the nice guy, some tips
on how to use charm-boy traits to your advantage, while retaining your
nice-guy values.
Let’s brainstorm for a minute.
What makes charm boys or players attractive? They are fun, spontaneous,
unpredictable, mysterious, and act as if they don’t care what others
think of them (also known as confidence). They follow their own rules
and don’t let others (including their dates) walk all over them.
And they often look good.
So what can you do?
You don’t have to engage in risk-taking behaviors in order to succeed
with women. Suggest some “safe” ideas on the spur of the moment;
for example, “Let’s go get some sushi/ice cream/a Margarita”,
or, “Let’s go for a drive and see where we end up”. If
this is not the usual “you”, you may enjoy your new-found
spontaneity. You can be mysterious/unpredictable without violating your
principles. Don’t call her the day after getting her phone number
or the day after a date. Give her time to wonder whether you’ll
call; keep her guessing. People often want what isn’t easy to get,
and women like a little challenge.
You’re the man
Many women are looking for men who are confident and decisive, who can
be relied on to get things done. On a date, take command but don’t
be pushy. Always have a Plan A and a Plan B, so you don’t miss
the concert just in case the restaurant loses your reservation and there’s
a 1–1/2-hour wait. But always be flexible, in case your date hates
Chinese food, for example, or she just told you her favorite musical
group is in town, tonight only. Low-cost dates conducive to getting
to know each other include the zoo, a museum, or miniature golf. In
addition to saving you money, these low-cost dates also minimize the
feeling that you have to “spoil” her or “buy” her
affection with an extravagant wining-and-dining evening. And if she
likes you, she won’t mind a “cheap” date; she just wants
to be with you.
Keep it light and upbeat
Don’t be needy or act nervous. You might be a bit anxious while
on a date, but she doesn’t need to know that. Keep things light
and humorous, and pay attention to her. That in itself will help you
take the focus off you and help you feel more confident. And be a gentleman
(you’re already good at this). For example, always offer to pick
up the tab unless she insists on paying, open doors for her, etc. But
don’t overdo the gifts, lest you appear desperate.
Let her talk
This is where nice guys have an advantage. Most women like to communicate
verbally and welcome the chance to be heard. (But make sure you listen;
don’t just let your mind wander.) She will be impressed if you
remember details about things that are important to her, such as her
pet’s name or her favorite book. If you met her online, review
her profile for questions you can ask her about her interests.
Neatness counts
Take another hint from the charm boys. You don’t have to be a Brad
Pitt look-alike, but make the most of what you have. Review your grooming,
clothes, and accessories with an objective eye. If you want feedback,
ask a friend—possibly a female friend—for honest input. Or
tune into one of the new TV shows which focus on wardrobe/grooming tips
for men.
Have a life (and a backbone)
Just because you are dating a woman doesn’t mean you drop everything
else (including your own friends, hobbies, and interests). After all,
relationships can come and go. Keep being yourself. You are not always
at her beck and call. When you really don’t want to do something
(for example, if she wants you to cancel your ballgame or night out
with your friends to go shoe shopping with her), it’s okay to decline.
Telling her no may be difficult for nice guys, but if she’s worth
keeping, she will respect you for this and value her time with you more.
To soften the blow, you might offer her an alternative get-together.
For example, “Sorry I can’t make it on Saturday. How about
I take you to that new play you’ve been wanting to see on Sunday
instead?”
How does she rate?
Remember: You have the right to evaluate her, not just the other way
around. Does she deserve a second date? Is she relationship material
(if that’s what you’re looking for)? Just because she’s
attractive/smart/classy doesn’t necessarily mean she’s right
for you. Does she treat you well? Is she kind? Does she have decent
self-esteem? Is she giving? If you’re looking for a long-term relationship,
can you see yourself still with her in 20 years, when some of the supermodel
looks may have begun to fade?
The good news for nice guys is that as women get older, perhaps having
survived a bad-boy heartbreak or two, they are more likely to appreciate
nice guys. Make a list of your good points, the qualities you have to
offer. Keep at it. And start believing that you are a catch (or at least
act like it)!
