Better You: Lordy, Lordy, look who's flirty
From: National
Post
By: Ben Kaplan
Published: Thursday, January 10, 2008
During the month of December, the National
Post took women in their twenties, thirties, forties and
fifties, all at major crossroads in their lives, and introduced
them to five well-known Canadians of accomplishment, who offered
their advice on how these women could become their best selves
in 2008. In the last of a five-part series, Ben Kaplan meets
Kendall Christie, a 43-year-old divorcee looking to wade her
way through a perilous dating pool. She talked to matchmaker
Susan Kates about finding love again after the collapse of
a 15-year marriage.
Outside the Italian restaurant, snow has started to fall and
Kendall Christie and her paramour are well into their afternoon
wine. "So is your ex dating at all or is she just going
to stay bitter and angry all her life?" she asks, pushing
the conversation a great deal further then the earlier chit-chat
about children, their jobs and the weather. "Honestly,"
she says, "my ex just needs to get laid."
Five years ago, Christie, 43, was married to the father of
her two children, ages nine and 12, but she says, "I
just despised him after 15 years," and moved out of the
family home. Today, she is actively dating, having ventured
onto the internet at eHarmony.com and enlisting the help of
matchmaker Susan Kates, who introduced her to this afternoon's
blind date.
"I don't know what happened to my ex-wife," her
date says, his striped shirt tucked into his jeans, greying
hair slicked back like a freshly shovelled walk. "All
she wanted to do was drink champagne and watch television."
Christie runs her own company, but rallies, albeit a tad
flirtatiously, to the unnamed woman's defence. "I know,
she had a fat ass; you mentioned that."
"I'm not looking for perfection," replies the man,
somewhat sadly, "but she didn't look the same way at
the end as she did when we started. She didn't care for herself,
and that isn't fair."
The restaurant is mostly empty. Both Christie and her date
own their small businesses, and lunch has a hazy, sexy, confessional
vibe.
"I can't stand the sight of my ex-husband," Christie
says. "I married my father. I honestly did."
They both work in construction, so when blueprints are brought
out and discussed over coffee, initial physical contact is
made.
"Hey, you just touched my hand on purpose," says
Christie, smiling slightly.
"Let's just say you've piqued my interest," the
man says, and admits to Googling her before their date.
"Hey," says Christie, flashing teeth in her now-broad
smile: "You just did it again."
In 2006, nearly 6.6% of our population was divorced - 2,087,390
Canadians. According to Statistics Canada, 1,181,595 of those
divorced were female and for the first time in Canadian history,
married adults were a minority. Christie has seen life from
both sides of the wedded divide - and says being a swinging
single is not for her.
"I'm absolutely looking for a long-term relationship
and I would embrace wholeheartedly getting married again,"
says Christie, meeting matchmaker Susan Kates in DinnerWorks'
head office. "Dating in your forties sucks."
By all accounts, Christie has succeeded in her professional
life. She built her business, designing stages for trade shows,
to more than $400,000 in sales last year from $150,000 in
2006. She uses sass to cover up insecurities, so when she
tells Kates that she and her ex-husband have a healthy relationship,
"given the fact that I would run over him if he was in
my driveway," she's not meant to be taken at her word.
"As outgoing as I am, I'm also incredibly shy, and dating
makes me very uncomfortable," she says. She lists her
sense of humour as her greatest attribute, and "big wobbly
arms like my grandmother" as a persnickety flaw.
DinnerWorks has locations in Ottawa, Vancouver and Toronto,
and Kates, founder of the company, is among the few certified
matchmakers in Canada. She says men and women view courtship
differently - men "date," women have "relationships,"
but often it's two ways of describing the same circumstance.
"When a woman goes out with a guy, she's thinking about
whether or not she can walk down the aisle," says Kates.
"A man is thinking, 'I can have dinner with her, and
maybe sex. Then sex again, dinner and then more sex,' and
they still don't see themselves as being in a relationship."
After her divorce, Christie found she was dating much younger
men, which Kates says is common. But the charm of that has
worn off - she's already raised her family and seen her business
succeed. Now she's looking, once again, to settle down. Problem
is, dating is a game without rules.
"The number of married men that have hit on me, saying,
'I'm bored with my wife, we've been married 30 years,' was
a rude awakening," she says. "I've become more cynical
- maybe more realistic, as well."
Kates asks for her likes, dislikes and absolute turn-offs.
But Christie describes herself as a go with the flow kind
of girl - racism and drugs would be deal breakers, otherwise
she's open to meet someone new.
"I don't want to be eating potato chips and drinking
Merlot on my couch Saturday night," she says. "It
would be nice to say there's no one else I'd rather be with,
to be in a relationship with someone looking to start the
next phase of their life."
Kates and Christie dish on personality types and their eccentricities,
and agree on rules about dating with kids.
"I don't introduce people to my children unless I'm
sure they'll be in my life," Christie said. "It's
difficult enough for them to understand mom has a life, let
alone a life with men, God forbid."
The man Kates set Christie up with is still going through
his divorce proceedings, which makes him a difficult candidate
for a long-term relationship.
"People going through divorce are emotional catastrophes,
I'm not looking to be anyone's therapist," she says,
but over their long lunch date, the two clearly had sparks.
They sat at a window table in a deserted restaurant and boozily
undressed the subject of Christie's tattoos.
"Where are they located?" asks the man, turned
on by wine and the mention of skin. "Can you see them
in a bathing suit?"
"What are you doing this afternoon?" replies Christie,
blushing. "Let's get drunk and go get you one."
The man says his ex-wife recently got a tattoo, which makes
him think they're indicative of mid-life crisis.
"How's this for mid-life crisis?" Christie says,
introducing her desire to go under the knife. "If my
truck got dented, I'd have it fixed - what's the problem with
a facelift and boob job?"
The man leans back in his chair and signals for the waiter.
After some deliberation about who should pick up the bill,
Christie finally gives in.
"Well, your eyes are beautiful," he says. "Are
they yours?"
"They are," Christie answers, and smiles. "You're
bad. I can tell we're going to have fun."
"In my mind, I'm still 28; how did it happen?"
he asks.
"Viagra," replies Christie, and they both start
to laugh and leave the restaurant, braving the snow and the
remote possibility of something new.
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