Dating a divorcee can be sexy

From: Couriermail

By: Kylie Welsh
Published: 16 January 2008

IN MODERN relationships, it is not unusual for either or both parties to have been married.

As about a third of all marriages end in divorce, if you are in the dating world and have not been married yourself, you will probably date someone who has.

Tune into any Hollywood blockbuster and you will see the stereotypical sad picture so often portrayed of a divorced person.

The divorced woman is usually drunk, angry or bitter. The divorced male is moping around, whittling wooden voodoo dolls of his "ex" for torture. The lighting is glum in these movies and the apartments are just tragic in their aloneness.

How can dating someone like this be sexy? The truth is that we can all be a bit sad after a break-up, especially in the initial stages.

Marriages are usually for longer periods of time but getting over them is a healing process just like any long-term relationship breakdown.

If you start discounting divorced people from your pool of potential love enthusiasts and buying into unfair stereotypes, you will find your options dwindling quickly in the modern dating arena. The trick is to find the well-adjusted and emotionally ready divorced people out there.

My research has shown there are generally four main groups – those who have dealt with their divorces effectively and are ready to move on, those who have not and never will be, those who are nearly there but may need a bit more time, and the scariest of all – the ones who think they are ready but are not.

Karen Allen, 33, from Brisbane's southside suburb of Carina says: "I dated a divorced guy recently. He'd only been separated for six months. I thought this was enough time but when it came to the crunch, he pulled out of the relationship very quickly.

"He ended up shutting down emotionally as he could not handle the intimacy of a new relationship, even though I believe he desperately wanted to get over his failed marriage.

"I learnt the hard way that someone wanting to and being able to move on is very different."

But there are benefits in dating someone who has been married before and is ready to move on. At least you know they value commitment. And they'll probably dance down the aisle again – with the right person.

Also they should have learnt much about relationships in marriage and what is needed to make them work – or why they don't work.

Hindsight is a beautiful thing and this classic quote applies: "Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

But what do you do when you are dating someone who does not seem to have learnt from their mistakes?

They may want to move on from a messy divorce but when it comes to the crunch they're not able to do so.

There are signs that will be pretty obvious that he or she is not ready.

It is unrealistic to date and not expect to have to deal with past relationships in some way.

It will be up to you to determine how much baggage your beau has and if they've dealt with it effectively.

Remember, there are a lot of great divorced people out there who are still absolute romantics at heart.

They accept previous relationships have run their natural course or perhaps they just didn't get it right the first time around and have learnt their lessons from this.

Dating a divorced person can be very sexy. You just have to be sure they are ready for what you have to offer.