Finding love online
From: Stuff.co.nz
By: MICHELLE HAMER
Published: January 11, 2008
I was with a girlfriend on New Year's Eve two years ago and
she suggested we have a look at the dating website RSVP. She
told me I needed some male company. It was all a bit of a
giggle really.
It was great fun scrolling through all the profiles, looking
at all the guys' pictures and reading their stories. Later
I registered and put up my own profile and it became very
addictive. I spent a lot of time on there.
I'd been single since 1996. I'd had a couple of relationships
in that time, but nothing serious.
I really didn't think I would meet someone special, though,
it was just a way of having a bit of fun and maybe meeting
some nice people. I felt no-one would be interested in me
long-term because I have five children; five boys.
I did the pubs and clubs thing in my 30s and wasn't interested
in doing that again.
There's always alcohol involved and that changes people's
behaviour. It's just not the place to go to find someone and
have the chance to talk to them and get to know them.
When you get older you're not interested in that scene any
more. Online you can have a chat with someone and usually
tell pretty soon whether you have something in common.
I think that people who put themselves online are often more
sincere and genuine.
The good thing is that on a dating site you can have a look
at someone's photo and their profile to see if their characteristics
are compatible. Then, if you see someone you like you can
send them a "kiss" which lets them know you are
interested. It's just an email with a short message.
They can then respond to say whether they're interested in
you or not and you can take it from there. It was quite demoralising
for me in the early days if people came back and weren't interested
in me. I'd think: oh, what's wrong with me?
You have to learn that everyone is attracted to different
things and that you're not going to appeal to everyone. Some
people are quite shallow and are only looking for a very specific
type of person. You have to have the confidence to deal with
that sort of rejection.
I went out on quite a few dates at the start. First you chat
with people, or exchange emails, then when you feel safer
you can give them your mobile number and if that still feels
OK you organise to meet them somewhere.
For me the golden rule was always to meet people in a public
place and never disclose my address or home phone number.
A few of the dates I had were really good. I had no bad experiences.
I went out with two or three of the guys a second time. Usually
you can tell almost straightaway when you meet someone if
you like them or not; if there's something there.
I had a ball with the girls at work, showing them the photos
of guys I was dating or chatting with. There were some guys
I would chat with who I never met. The girls would wait for
me to come in on Mondays and tell them about my weekend. They'd
love all the stories.
The main pitfall of the online dating world is that sometimes
people can contact you persistently, even when you're not
interested, but there is the option to block them online.
I had a guy ring me 12 months later and another guy who sent
me text messages for quite a while.
One day, Tim sent me a "kiss". I looked at his
profile and really liked his photo and his qualities. He was
ex-army, which appealed to me. He has four children, so I
knew he could relate to being a parent.
I showed his photo to the girls at work and they all approved.
We met outside a shopping centre on a Thursday night for
our first date. Tim had bought a dozen red roses for me, but
he kept them in the car and gave them to me at the end of
the date. That was pretty nice; no-one had done anything like
that for me before.
When I met him I just felt that things were right pretty
quickly, which surprised me.
I really didn't expect to find someone who had everything
that I was looking for in a partner – someone who could
relate to having children; who had the physical characteristics
that appealed to me; who was looking to build a future and
who was in a similar financial situation.
A lot of the men on the site were very protective of what
they had financially – but Tim and I were very similar
in that neither of us had a lot financially to bring to the
relationship and I think that made us more compatible.
We met in March 2006 and within a month of meeting we knew
it was serious. We just clicked. I took him out for dinner
for his birthday in November and he popped the question. I'm
not sure he meant to blurt it out, but I said yes and we shot
out of the restaurant and went looking at rings; I was a little
bit excited!
He's a real sweetie and I feel so lucky to have what I want
in life and to be so happy.
We got married at a tulip farm; it was absolutely beautiful.
It was just immediate family – all our kids. Then we
had a function for friends and family later in the afternoon.
We spent 10 days in Vanuatu for our honeymoon – it was
a pretty big 2007.
Our kids get on pretty well; our younger sons are similar
ages so that works. My kids are with us all the time and Tim's
are here every second weekend. It can get pretty tiring with
nine kids in the house and 11 people to cook for, but our
eldest kids are adults now, so that makes it a bit easier.
I had no embarrassment whatsoever about using an internet
dating site. I was having fun. It's just accepted that that's
what single people do now. In fact, I can't believe I didn't
do it earlier; I should have tried it sooner because it worked
so well and was so much fun.
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