How to write the perfect lonely heart
By: David Rose
Published: 12 January 2008
With their abbreviated dialect - WLTM, GSOH, SWF - and cliched
appeals, personal ads these days can appear anything but personal.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
It’s always fun scanning through lonely hearts sections
in newspapers and magazines. Whether we’re looking for
love, or just a little curious, or idling away the time on
a train journey, there’s something intriguing about small
ads. They are windows into other people’s lives and many
make for compulsive reading.
The first newspaper personal ads started appearing in the
19th Century and many magazines have had thriving columns
for decades. Today, lonely hearts are big business.
Agencies that run small ads sections make fortunes by using
premium rate phone lines and helping callers to formulate
adverts. By asking a couple of choice questions an agency
is able to create a brief statement about you that is then
used to make your small ad. It’s a good way of getting
the job done, but is it effective?
Such ads invariably come across as a little formulaic and
cold. And to the casual browser, they can be just a bit dull.
Rose by name… David Rose says love doesn’t have
to be a WLTM-word
Readers of the London Review of Books (LRB) - the fortnightly
British literary magazine - like to do such things differently.
LRB readers would sooner read the entire back catalogue of
Jeffrey Archer novels than place an off-the-peg advert.
“Safety first. Dignity second. Trousers last. Rubbish
wok-cooked foods enthusiast and flammable materials-wearing
loon (M) WLTM F to 45 with fire-blanket and no small amount
of knowledge regarding the correct batter-frying procedures
of tempura. Bicester. Box no. 2006.”
Instead of the standard “blonde hair, blue-eyed, likes
theatre” formula of other lonely hearts sections, LRB
advertisers use their 30 words to create bizarre hiakus of
longing.
What is more peculiar is that the ads sometimes work. Admittedly
they don’t have a huge success rate (a handful of marriages,
a couple of children, at least one divorce), but, if nothing
else, they are original.
It’s hard, for example, to ignore the unexpected presence
of the German Reichstag in this typically untypical advert:
“Woman, 38. WLTM man to 45 who doesn’t name his
genitals after German chancellors. You know who you are and,
no, I don’t want to meet either Bismarck, Bethmann Hollweg,
or Prince Chlodwig zu Casual sex dating dateline, however
admirable the independence he gave to secretaries of state
may have been. Box no. 2102.”
A solo drinking session probably isn’t the best time
to tell the world you’re ready for love
If you’re thinking of placing a small ad, you could do
worse than to take a leaf out of the LRB readers’ book.
Announcing to the world you’re single and looking for
love is not an easy thing to do and having fun is an important
aspect of the dating game. Bear in mind, though, there are
several important things you need to take into consideration.
Timing is always important. When is a good time to place
your small ad? I often get e-mails time-stamped in the early
hours of a Sunday morning. You can almost hear the glug of
a wine bottle being emptied in the background.
In my experience, a solo drinking session probably isn’t
the best time to tell the world you’re ready for love.
When you are ready, don’t rush into penning your ad.
It’s a certainty that whatever you think is great about
yourself is less impressive to others:
“The only item you’ll find in my fridge is soup.
Forty litres of the stuff. Beat that. M, 46. Box no. 7524.”
Perversely, this ad got a whole raft of excellent responses
but, as a rule, no-one is interested in a failed attempt to
enter the Guinness book of records in 1978.
Personal ads are an ever more popular way of finding a soul
mate
Many ask their friends to help. It’ll do for starters;
just be aware that friends make poor romantic partners and
will like you for very different reasons than a prospective
lover might.
But if you’d rather begin with the help of someone who
knows you quite well, try getting them first to write a brief
synopsis of your most appealing qualities.
Be careful of breaking the very few protocols of the personals’
column. Rule one: don’t mention money. In those first
lonely hearts back in the 19th Century it wasn’t uncommon
for gentlemen to specify their annual income.
In those days, the personals were market places for the upper-classes
to advertise their business acumen and secure marriages into
equally wealthy families. Mercifully, this is no longer the
case.
Honesty is a good policy at all times, but when you only
have 30 words to sell yourself, it’s a good idea not
waste valuable wordage reliving your divorce:
“Save it - anything you’ve got to say can be said
to my lawyer. But if you’re not my ex-wife, why not write
to box no. 5377. I enjoy vodka, canasta, evenings in, and
cold, cold revenge.”
My main piece of advice to all lonely hearts is to relax
a little. Be prepared for the possibility of not getting any
replies. Getting no replies or not getting the right sort
or reply is no reflection on your qualities as a person nor
is it the end of the world.
Don’t be scared to try again. Be positive, be concise,
and be bold. Even the ads quoted here struck gold eventually.
David Rose is advertising director of the London Review
of Books. The ads in this article are taken from They Call
Me Naughty Lola, edited by David Rose (Profile, 2006).
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