Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best.
Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute
they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose
hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it's annoying that women
spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of cats than
they do wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they'll never
understand...
Our consuming need to own the biggest and most expensive version
of just about everything.
Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in cities and use
corkscrews that resemble offshore drilling equipment is well documented.
As marketing targets, men are suckers for terms like "professional"
or "industrial strength," because inside every man is the
germ of every profession he ever imagined himself one day excelling
at. Most of these purchases are harmless, little more than childish
wish fulfillment played out at a higher testosterone level. But occasionally
we go too far. The guy upstairs from me once boasted that he had a
filter which filled his flat with "operating theater quality
air." I kept him away from my surgical steel steak knives.
Why we are so bad at shopping.
We've never been trained to do it the right way. Supermarkets are
like giant booby traps for males -- which is why if you send a man
out to get eggs, sugar and bread, you should not be surprised if he
returns home with a case of beer, a pair of jeans and a tree.
The reason why we don't like to discuss The Relationship.
Most of us will find any excuse to dodge those conversations that
start with questions like "Are you really happy?" and "Where
do you see us going?" A relationship is a delicate thing, like
an antique clock, and we know what will happen if we start picking
it apart. Often our reticence will result in a lengthy conversation
about why we have trouble talking about... "The Relationship."
Why we think we can fix things.
Almost all men believe they can repair virtually anything with a little
patience. In reality, we're only half right. Men are extremely good
at taking things apart: whether it's a dishwasher or an antique clock,
a man can break it down to its most basic components in no time. Unfortunately,
this is where our expertise usually leaves off, and we're mostly satisfied
with leaving bits and pieces spread all over newspaper on the kitchen
table.
Men and video games.
Women cannot understand how grown men can waste huge chunks of their
lives zapping things off a screen. When a man repeatedly rings his
girlfriend to say he has to work late and routinely comes home at
two in the morning all glassy eyed, she will usually take this as
evidence of an affair -- when it's more likely that a pirated copy
of Streetfighter II is making the rounds at the office.
