Are You Ready To Order? ... What to eat on a first date.

By Jan Moir

Most first dates take place in restaurants. God knows why. The terrain is hostile. Social hazards abound. Embarrassment and public humiliation lurk behind every cruet set and curving waiter's smirk. From spinach on your teeth to the sommelier openly laughing at your wine choice, the opportunities for date disgrace run deep. Yet until a law is passed decreeing that all first dates must take place in sealed rubber rooms, with small tots of horse tranquilliser as the only refreshments served, we must all continue to take our chances in the great Trattoria de Amore.
Rule number one. Book a table on neutral territory. One of the problems with restaurants in this country is that they are not consistent. It is standard for standards to slip. On what should be a night to remember, the manager of your favourite corner bistro will call your date Susan (your ex-wife's name) and forget that you have a fatal nut allergy. It goes without saying they will burn the twice-toasted asparagus soufflé you have been raving about, then pour burning custard onto your date's lap. You will look like a complete fool, with suspect taste to boot. A cannibal with halitosis and an electronic parole tag would stand a better chance of a second date than you. So whatever you do, insist that your date chooses the venue. When disaster strikes, and it will, it is their fault, not yours.

Next. If you have to choose the location, avoid being too obvious. Anywhere with a mariachi band or where the man is given the bill while the lady is presented with a single red rose is to be avoided. Far too cheesy. Note that the only cheese acceptable is on a board next to a pile of crackers or in a pizza. Steer clear of places serving sushi or food that necessitates the use of chopsticks if you find them challenging. Avoid ordering spaghetti, unless you are properly dexterous, for the same reason. People always complain about garlic, but coffee breath is far worse, so beware if you have a bad latte habit. Oysters are a bit obvious and any sort of sharing platters are fraught with danger. You might be interested to hear that fossils of English couples politely insisting that the other has the last spring roll/buffalo wing/mini sausage were found among the Anglo-Saxon rubble at Sutton Hoo.

Now. This is a delicate matter. There are certain items on the menu that will cause flatulence about five hours after consumption. So if you are feeling hopeful about your chances of amour, please forgo the Brussels sprout and butter bean curry, no matter how tempted you may be. Jerusalem artichokes, fresh pasta, kimchi and anything else from the cruciferous family must also be approached with caution. Tuna! Who knew? Yet this innocent fish can make trumpeting demands upon all of us later.

Drinks. Listen. Shortly after entering the restaurant, should your date suggest having a drink, do not reply: 'Yes, let's get battered.' It does not create a good impression. By all means have a glass of champagne if you wish, but even if you are feeling romantic, do not start the evening suggesting you take a drink from each other's glass with interlocked arms. What I am trying to say is, please don't act desperate, even if you are. Boys: it is best not to get over-excited when you see your favourite Absinthe Blaster - have a Negroni instead. So sophisticado! Girls: don't order a pint of wine and a double large bowl of chips, even if that's 'what I always have at home at eight o clock'.

I hardly need add that suggestive behaviour from either party is completely verboten. If a waiter leaves the restaurant's giant peppermill on your table, girls must not toy with it in a manner they hope is seductive. Boys must not order sea urchins, and chortle about Jeremy Clarkson's recent remarks comparing them to an intimate part of the female anatomy.

It might become obvious that your date is the kind of person who makes you want to go home, rip all your clothes off ... and burn them. So always order coffee at the end of dinner. Even if you hate the stuff. It stands to reason that if you have coffee at the restaurant; neither party is obligated to invite the other back to their place. For a coffee, euphemistic or otherwise. Then split the bill and split.